January 29, 2009

This week last year and the other 51 in between..

This day last year, was the night before my Mehendi ceremony in preparation for the wedding on the 1st of February. And whenever I see those photos (which is very often), I feel like I can still smell the mehendi as well. In soo many ways it feels like it all happened just yesterday. But it didn't... there were 363 days in between (it was Leap year last year before you mathematical geniuses pounce in to correct me). And I am no longer the same person that I was last year. Sure, we all change gradually over time. But Marriage eases in a lot more changes, in lifestyle, in responsibilities, and in a lot more subtle ways that you won't realize till you've tied the knot and lived your partner. And for everyone who is yet to marry, you don't know your partner till you've lived with them. And this holds good for both the arranged marriage and the 'love' marriage scenarios. Sure you've spent hours on the phone, gone on 'dates', hung out with friends... anything and everything. But none of that is any indication of what's to come. It's not daunting... nor scary. It's just the reality. If you've lived with roommates, you may think you're semi-prepared. I don't think so. In this case, you can't mind your own business and seek peace. Instead you seek to be involved... to meld your lives together... to find things to do together, etc. It's what I tell my friends. It takes a while to find your "groove" with your husband (or wife). To accept and understand the important things like eating/sleeping habits/likes/dislikes to the stupid and frivolous ones - loudness/speed of talking or eating with a munching sound (each person has some peeves - I have one... I can't go without correcting pronunciation - I just can't let it be). Everyone has some quirks.. But when it's your friend, it's far easier to let them be. I don't know why. Maybe you have higher standards for your partner (which is sooo good in a million other ways). Be that as it may, it takes a while before you find that comfort zone (the groove). Though you think you should tell each other everything... it's not that easy at first, unless you've had a long friendship history. Even then, it takes a while... especially if it's something that is on their side of the fence, like say, you wanted to bitch about one of his friends. It's something you would broach cautiously and proceed only if you received an inviting response. And of course there are fights. For anyone who thinks that the marriage is a wholesome honeymoon, surely for the first year at least, think again. The fights maybe absolutely dumb... but they show up their ugly face at some point or the other. And yes of course, you get through it, you make compromises and sometimes promises you know you won't keep. But it's all part of the game and helps you get through it and makes you and your bond stronger.

As a married woman (sob sob), I have learnt to stock the refrigerator (veggies, milk) and , the kitchen (dal, rice, spices, blah) and the bathroom (read shampoo, toothpaste, soap, conditioner, cleaner, brush, etc.) before anything runs out. I have learnt to make dinner almost every night no matter how tiring the day, how late I come, because it's a small something I want to do for my proper-ghar ka khana-deprived husband. I have learnt to get up earlier than him every morning and have hot tea ready for us as he rises and I let him shower and leave before me as he has a longer journey to work to endure. I have learnt to pack him lunch every day that it is possible. I have learnt to stock his cupboard after the laundry. I have learnt to pack both our things for trips. In short, I have learnt to run the house the way our moms did in this one short year. I am sure S has learnt many new things through the course of the year too... but you are going to have to ask him to know what they are (wicked grin).

So from everything that I have seen, the first year of the marriage is actually a long lesson. You learn so many things, about each other, your habits, personality and generally co-existing with one another and loving every moment of it (almost!). I guess it's during this year that the old-shoe feeling slowly start setting in. Sure, you still like to dress very well when going out with him... but you know it's not necessary. He's the same guy who sees you in your ratty old PJs at the end of the day too. The total comfort zone. That's what marriage ends up as I guess. And yes, that's the best-case-scenario.

13 comments:

Vidhya said...

small note..I guess u shud probably say first year of living together rather than marriage :P

Jaya said...

Vidhs -> U r right... I meant it in a very very olden Desi perspective I guess :D

Sandhya said...

Awesome post Jaya!! Something that I can totally relate to:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Jaya..Have been a silent reader of your blog for a long time now..

Very Very well Written

Advance Anniversary Wishes and I am sure you have planned a lovely day as it is a Sunday.

Have a great time

Kaushik

Jaya said...

Sandy -> Thanks ma... :)
Kaushki -> Thanks a bunch.. And keep visiting :)

Shiva kumar Shankar said...

Just two words:-- SO TRUE!!

Jaya said...

Shiva -> Thanks :)

Shree said...

Jaya that's the most beautiful description of celebrating everyday simple things...love the way you have portrayed the otherwise 'omg I must do...'s' as a 'wow...i enjoy doing...' may you be blessed with a lot more...'best case scenarios'!!!

Jaya said...

Shree-> Thank you so much. Please keep visiting :)

Sandhya said...

Jaya, your write ups on your wedding were too good to read ...as good as watching it in person ..y dont u post some pics of your marriage as part of "kalyanam diaries"

Jaya said...

Sandhya -> Thank you. However, I am a bit apprehensive about posting personal pictures on a free-for-all-to-see domain. :) Keep visiting and commenting! :)

Sachin said...

Sorry for the delay, but you have put it very right that u don't know a person fully, i guess for ever, even though u think u know him/her.

Jaya said...

Sachin -> Glad you agree... Needless to say, keep visiting n commenting :)

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