The 6 friends

I don't remember when or where.. but someday I read that a person can never have more than 6 soul-close friends... that means no more than 6 people in anyone's lives knows everything about them - their deepest, darkest secrets, so to speak. And it set me thinking. And I literally counted off my fingers that I probably had 7 very close friends, but not everyone made it to the first tier amongst that. While all 7 would eventually find out whatever it is that I wanted to share with them, it was not necessarily in the same timeframe. And so I was discussing with KG yesterday that that was what had transpired between college and now. 10 years later... we retain less than 10 friends of the 100s that we met. And it wasn't because we were lousy at keeping in touch or anything.. but to put it philosophically, life just happened.

After hanging up however, I was wondering what happened if you featured in someone's 6, who didn't feature in yours or vice versa? You know what I mean? What if you considered someone super close and shared all with them (or vice versa) but they didn't reciprocate equivocally? The ones in which you both featured in one anothers' lists is of course the material that makes life-long friendships and "best friends" tags. But on the other hand, like unrequited love, does unrequited super-close friendship also wither and die? One would hypothesize that it would have to. I mean nothing can survive just one-sided, can it? Yet it happens. Just because the person you confide in doesn't confide back to you, doesn't mean his/her advice to you isn't sound or that they aren't genuinely helping out, does it? No. But of course if you did expect reciprocation, you are left spurned and such cases might indeed meet the end of the road. And if the circle of friends was entirely encompassingly finitely restricted to reciprocations, then the circles would meet at some point. And that would make it limited. 

Enough confusion. After a little more analysis, I came up with numbers. Through school, you were likely to have a maximum of 2 soul-friends... college: 2-3; post-graduation: 1-2; work: 1-2 and then a big, fat full-stop. Thereafter, even if you meet new people, even if you forge new friendships, they are never going to  equate to what you already have. It's difficult to attain a closeness with no entirely new and parallel things happening alongside with this new person. And that's how the friendship circle remains restricted.

Some food for thought huh? How many soul-friends do you have? Count on..

The Amazing Me

As usual when I have some time on my hands and specifically in front of my computer, I tend to declutter my GMail Inbox. I don't know about you but even when Google has the storage counter ticking to increase every second, I have never had less than 65% of my Inbox full. And it disturbs me every time I see it. I mean how can one have 8000+ meaningful emails? Surely there was a lot of junk sitting there, stuff I'd forgotten to delete... forwards that has expired and all that jazz. So I clicked on "Oldest" to start the deletion process. And apparently I'd gotten there before and so I'd only left behind what I had then thought were meaningful emails. And I was shocked as to how many people I was once in touch with. At least 20 out of my 67 classmates in Engineering, all of my batchmates in Batch 213 of CTS, school friends, NIIT friends and building friends. All this other than the new friends at Cincinnati. I'd actually found time to email all of these people regularly updating about my life and what not. And now... now I'm in touch with less than 10 people.. all circles combined. What happened to me? Life? Age? Sense? Work? All?

Sands of time...

Nope, this isn't about the semi-new Prince of Persia movie that shares the second half of it's name with this blog's title. It's about how as time goes on and you reflect on some of the decisions that you've made before you can't believe you did them. Take your friendships for example. You're pretty darned fortunate if all the people you chose to be friends with and vice versa are still close enough for you to call and ramble as you please. Chances are that the friendship has faded. Sure there are those friends who far beyond made the cut that even if you spoke to them after a year, nothing has changed and you can pick up exactly where you left off. And exclusive as that category is, not too many people fit in there.

Sometimes when I look back at some of the 'friends' I've had... I find it very hard to justify why I was friends with them on one hand, or how we let it all go away on the other. And it's usually a mix of the two.There's as much relief as there is regret. Sometimes you "keep in touch" with a bunch of people, usually through one person and its almost always because this person means enough to you to do so. Of course the vice versa cases do exist. and each one is painful in its own way.

And this realization becomes stronger everytime I make an India trip. That none of my friends live where they used to when I used to be here in India. And yes, it's true... it's none. Everyone's spread across the length and width of our glorious country or worse across different parts of the US subcontinent or elsewhere in the world. And it's like playing a very complex game of chess to arrange to meet anyone even if they happen to visit the city you're in and vice versa. Throw in the spouses' schedule, the traffic situation, their new relationships and friends, and now you're playing a high-speed timed Chess as well. Ah the logistics... the pain.. the planning, all centred on meeting and spending time with those precious friends.. be it an hour, a few hours or a couple of days if you're lucky. As fate would have it, this trip quite a few friends are in tantalizing proximity and I pledge to do all I can to at least meet all of them before I leave Indian soil once more. Cheers mates!

New age socializing

It seems like no matter what, we find new and innovative ways of doing good old things... Look at reading books for example. I bet the forests are thanking us now that so many books are going entirely electronic. And with Kindles and Ipads alike vying for the top spot in  the ebook reading experience, things are poised to get as "real" as ever. But that's not what this post is about. Instead it's about how technology has clawed its way into our everyday lives as well.

The other day we met friends for dinner after a terribly long time. And after all of 5 minutes of "catching up", I glanced at the table that seated 10 of us to see at least 5 cell phones, Iphones and Droids alike, whipped out to "share" the latest apps (applications) and cool stuff on the phone. So much for the days of "what's up" and just gossiping over dinner and plain anecdoting and what not. Nope... now it was all about the cool games that the accelerometers on these devices afforded, or that application which acts a constant post-it to remind you of things on the go. Or something else or something else.. there are always new apps and there will be and this has  now graduated to become an excuse to play with one's own gadgets under the pretext of socializing. And guilty as I am of constant Facebook status updating, I would also be amongst the first people to comply with full acquiescence to a gadget-free evening. Game, anyone?

Know-how

I only just recently wrote a post on the all important no-how.. but this time I am here to talk about something that only sounds similar but is in no way connected to that post. This is about how some people are plain confused between knowing you and knowing of you. And with someone as accessible as me, it's very easy for someone to make that error in judgment and assume they know everything about me while as a matter of fact what they know is only something I've chosen to share with all the world. This whole blog for example... most posts are reflections of daily happenings in most people's lives with a splash of my unwarranted opinions thrown in. And we bloggers are nothing if not opinionated ;). 

Back to the viewpoint in question, it does irk me when someone thinks they've been in touch with me by simply reading what I write on the blog. I contend of course that the blog coupled with all the content on the many networking sites would amount to a fair share of generic information, none too personal though. And I would hardly think it would be weird on my part to consider that it was preposterous that it was supposed to be flattering that they kept in touch by these means. Simply reading a blog... really? Something a bit more would be understandable.. a random text/email or message/chat of some sorts. But being an anonymous reader simply doesn't cut it at being a good friend. A nice follower yes, but friend? Absolutely not.

Not single, hence not ready to mingle?

I had a rather interesting discussion with a friend yesterday. Whilst talking about something else, he pointed out that I had no real friends in Paris... as in, none that were my own. I'd just walked into S' friend's circle and sort of adopted them. Of course, that was true. And I started thinking about it a bit myself. True, I didn't have any chaddi-buddies here... add to it that I walked into a country with as less Indians as I've seen (btw none in S' close circle has taken a wife yet). So make that no girls in the hang-out gang. And my PhD isn't exactly conducive to making a tonne of friends either. With no classes, I have no purpose to hang around with everyone else after school hours - no assingments, nothing to study for, nothing. And the main thing is that all my colleagues (and me) have lives to go back to and this isn't like grad school where most people were yet unattached, all alone in the country and had time to kill in the evenings. Then of course, there's the mild language barrier and yes, so that makes it no real friends here.

Once I began thinking of it obsessively I started panicking a bit. Could it be really that because I was now married and had a husband to go home to, I was no longer new-friend material? Then I started talking to VR and SM about it. We concurred that after marriage our friend expansion had dwindled. But there was something else. Now that we were in couples, we looked forward to making new friends together. That restricted the number of interactions. But the biggest epiphany was this - I was content with the friends that I already had. It didn't matter that they were in the US or in India. I already had a certain number of absolutely tight friends with whom I shared everything no matter what their location geographically and I realized that at this stage in life I wasn't going to make any new friends who would eventually match up to the ones I already had. As VR pointed out, we were past the stage where all the life-altering changes had taken place- living alone, getting married, blah and we'd shared each of these experiences in parallel with one another and the bond that held us together was very strong. I was just happy with the chance encounters with a few and became friends with a handful whom I only met where we first met. Though probably vaguely related, marriage wasn't the real culprit. Maybe I'd just maxed out after the trillion friends' circle over the years. Or maybe the two were related. That was the epiphany.

The Friendship Ebb

Well, we've all heard about the "web of friendship" - that impenetrable fortress that forms around you and your precious friends circle. But have you experienced the "ebb" of friendship? No? Try getting busy for over a year, then consider getting married and then try contacting your friends. Suddenly there are gaps in conversation that were unthinkable back in the days you spoke for hours together even when you spent the entire day in one another's company. You don't share that common thread that held you together anymore. Of course a special few transcend this phase and stand the test of time. But not all make it. And it's not a walk in the park once you run into those people. Sure there's stuff to talk about but it's so not like before. The pauses are very obvious, as is the lack of common ground or the interest in the new pursuits of the people involved. If you are someone with a knack for small talk, then that works a bit. If not, both of you suffer through the ordeal counting the seconds to a decent interval at which you can make an excuse to get the hell out of the place. After one of these encounters I was a touch sad. I guess that's where the social networking sites like Facebook, Orkut help the others just keep aware of what's going on at the minimalist level and beyond, for the more snoopy ones. On the brighter side, it's the encounters like this that make you treasure the really close ones. And probably makes it worthwhile.

Mommy's mates

For as long as I remember, I don't recollect my mother having friends of her own and that was a shocking truth given her fantastic networking skills. Rather, all her "friends" were either related to her by marriages (her own and of her brothers, etc) or they were the wives of my dad's friends/colleagues or the moms of my friend's or my brother's. She never seemed to have a social circle of her own and it seemed very strange to me while I was in college and in the thick of friends and was in that phase where I couldn't live without sharing some news with a special few. And then I wondered how my mother could bear to lose touch with her friends. People she studied with and created allegiances with, of her own accord.

Now, after being married and sitting in a continent different from all my friends and family, it's easier to see why. All that pride and joy we took in branding one another as 'Friends for life' while slapping on the friendship bands in that immature phase, using the umpteen ears as sounding boards for the most ridiculous conversations, abusing the corporate Airtel numbers to make conference calls, slumber parties... weep fests, you name it, and we'd had it. While the Friendship has stood the test of time thus far, the same cannot be said of it's intensity. Sure, it's very easy to pick up where we left off and gab on for hours like giggly teenagers but that happens so less often that while it is special when it does, it pales in comparison to anything that we shared before. What did you expect, what with time zones, a crazy work schedule, couple time, personal time and social commitments, it's little wonder that we get to speak to our treasured friends all across the Globe. And if you take Amma's case, throw in a couple of kids and you have pandemonium. I guess the most important thing though, that contributed to my mom losing in touch with her friends was the unavailability of the technology that we have these days. With most of us having immediate access to email all the time when we are awake, we still find it hard to keep in touch. No wonder then, that back in those days when people had to use postal letters as an alternative to expensive STD/ISD cards to communicate, the urge and the frequency of these communications dwindled and ended with less than a whimper. It also goes to show how her marriage has moulded my mom's life. While it worked for her, I cannot imagine what I would do without my support circle (with whom I hope to keep in touch with for life). Kudos to Amma! (Advance Happy Mother's Day)
And Happy Birthday ML :)

The Unlikely Confidant

As a person, I find that I take an instant shine to many people and learn to trust them instinctively, which is quite unlike any true Scorpion. However, true to my nature, I find that I can talk on and on endlessly on topics that are of intellectual/worldy interest to me but not necessarily of personal nature. In fact it takes me a while to confide anything remotely personal to anyone even when they are very close. Of course a select few make it all the way and they hold many keys to my many inner thoughts. But surprisingly so do a few others that aren't immediately apparent in the "super-close" category. They're in attendance by absence. Through the different phases of my life, I have trusted a select few individuals to my deepest and darkest secrets, so-to-speak. I suppose that the key to that is that they're not immediately identifiable to anyone as my specially-recruited confidant(es). And they are on a special level of connection with me and they know it and that's what completes the bond of trust. Perhaps the most important reason that they were bestowed (read cursed) with knowledge of my inner-most thoughts is that I don't expect any judgment from them. And this is the most important thing to me. My closest friends are capable of judging me.. of pointing out instances where I've erred in the past and of basically muddling my original views. Which I appreciate and expect in them. But this is also why I need these other people in my life. To talk to freely... to expect them just to be a sounding board of sorts and directly reflect at me with objectivity. Ironically, these people know me best. They are the unlikely people to hear first of anything of a very personal nature and I use them to decide if I want to share the thoughts with even the bestest of my friends. Of course they all hear of it ultimately... but only when I am finally comfortable talking about it and probably not while it's happening.

The reason I suddenly thought of this is because of this - Throughout our lives we tout so many people as our "best friends" and for many good reasons, they are. My best buds are the ones I would want to hang out with at any given point in time. I also realized that I probably don't openly give out the importance of these other people in my life. That's what keeps them special I suppose. And their presence in my life is as important as is restricted. And all this made me wonder if it was just me... with these different categories of "close friends". Or is there anyone out there who shares my weird trait? Speak up.

Unrelatedly, Happy Bday AS.

Virtual reality

This post is dedicated to my secure friends network.

Know how you can be completely in touch with people in this day and age of technological advancement? "The world has shrunk", says the now-popular adage. Do you know of this other feeling then? Of chatting with someone almost every single day... or catching up on gossip on telephone.. but still merely wishing wistfully that they lived a few blocks away so you could just drop in for chai and live gossip? I do. And I envy my husband for this. Not that his friend's circle is intact. But there sure is a bunch around on whom he can drop in on at any given point of time (touch wood for that). I don't have that here. And sure there are busy days when it never strikes me. But there are also lazy Sundays when I could just give all I could for someone to actually develop teleporting. Ah that would be bliss! I have a tonne of friends elsewhere though... which is perhaps the reason that one can almost permanently see me signed on to GTalk. That's just 'coz that's what I am left with right now.. to keep in touch with everyone through these virtual means. And not being a TV person or someone who can browse endlessly on the laptop leaves me with the one other option - books (when you don't want to go skipping out due to inclement weather). But fading light has a way of making book reading unappealing to me (yeah, all vague n weird reasons). Besides I have always enjoyed books most when I am uninterrupted, i.e, I don't have to cook-clean-laundry or any of the Sunday-wifely chores that one tends to have i.e, when I was back home in India and could become the 'virtual deaf person' who had no eyes or ears for anything other than the page turning. And after all these experiences, I am now sure that Virtual Reality is a misnomer. Nothing virtual can be real. It's never the same. It's a great substitute though. Which is why some of my online conversations are the most treasured (and yes, it's easier saying something to someone across the computer rather than face to face, especially something sensitive). :D. So I guess the message in this post is two-part, one, a thank you to my husband's friends (and the husband himself, of course), who have whole-heartedly adopted me into their scheme of things and two, to all my terrible close friends out there, that no matter what, you guys can't be replaced. And those of you who have your gang around, appreciate that and cherish the times together!